a run in the forest
As I was running today in the forest, the turning colors of the leaves invoked a deep sense of awe. I’d been feeling off this morning, with a heavy sensation in my chest triggered by thoughts of uncertainty.
What do I truly want?
Will I be able to create the future I am imagining?
Is it truly reasonable to take a chance on myself?
Who are you kidding? There are a million other people out there capable of doing your work, but better.
I was observing these thoughts racing through my consciousness as I stepped into the forest and listened to the birds. They know nothing of uncertainty. They sing, they fly, they prepare for the winter to come, to survive yet another year.
The forest, with all its majesty and beauty, is a symphony of diverse plants, insects, animals, and stones. Not that I can name more than a few of them. But the vastness of the diversity hits me every time.
Losing myself in my run, in my thoughts, and in the beauty of nature reassures me. Not that I know the answer to any of the questions I have. Not that they stop any of the thoughts I have. Yet, it reminds me, somehow, that I am mortal.
I may die tomorrow. I will die someday. And I wonder whether the thoughts I have should stop me from pursuing the dreams I have.
But what’s the alternative?
It used to be trying to fit into a mold—the expectations of others and of society. In order to get job A, you must have degree B and experience C and have the name D. Boxed in.
Suffocation.
Yet my soul longs for expansion. Expansion, for me, is never about success. It was once. It has stopped being so. Or rather, it is no longer about success in the monetary sense. I think capitalist culture has hijacked the word success.
Success is pursuing my dreams, trying to understand this existence of being human, and sharing this journey with fellow travelers.
Because what’s the alternative?
Today, there is no alternative.
Staying true to becoming myself is no longer something I negotiate with. It is something I explore every day.
It is a season of change. But here’s the truth: There is no permanence in this world. All is fleeting and changing. Permanence is the illusion created by repetition.
Repetition bears predictability, which brings a sense of stability. It creates a sense of safety. God knows this is good. I doubt we could live every moment of our waking hours without having a sense of grounding, stability, and permanence.
Yet we know, at some level, that all this is untrue.
So I am embracing stability and change. Predictability and expansion. I need predictability in certain areas of life to be able to expand in others.
This is written for me; it is written for you.
What do you truly dream of?
Your dream and longing are not a child’s fantasy to be brushed away. It may be the most important part of you that needs to be heard, listened to, and held.
The problem with our world stems from our lack of dreams. The problem with our world is that we stopped dreaming because we have created societal structures that, on the one hand, offer seemingly infinite possibilities yet require boxes for you to fit into a specific job.
Maybe it’s good. Perhaps for most. But I know there are souls out there, just like me, who long for more. Who feel confused in this world and are searching for their way in the darkness.
There’s a light that can guide you.
But the light is not outside; it is within.
A writer I’ve been enjoying to read recently is
. Thank you for the beauty of your texts. They are heartfelt.
Love this! Very well written, Gabe! Thank you!